so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
