I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
