is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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