Duck Duck Cougar?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
