we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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