dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
