We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
