the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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