I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
