He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
