It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
