Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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