I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
