You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
then he tried to convert me to islam
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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