Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
