He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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