my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
