At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
