don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
