Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
