he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She told me I should be a condom model.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
