Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
