I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
someone owes me an orgasm
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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