batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
