If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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