You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
