afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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