Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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