apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
birth control should be required to get into college
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
