I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
