Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
