I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
