That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
worst night to have a conscience
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
