we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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