i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
