I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
