I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
