The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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