i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
