so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Randomize
