I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
