I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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