once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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