i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I didn't notice because vodka
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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