just come out here and I will go home with you...
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
