i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
