I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
