Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
