Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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