Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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