The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
